I Think I Got It!
HOW does one write her own life story without sounding a bit pathetic?
For starters, this write up was borne in my toilet—- my sanctuary. This is where I pray. Contemplate. Think. Read. I have a mini library here. It’s my cul-de-sac. At times I am moved by my own dysfunctional idea of whatnots while moving my bowel so I cry here—a lot lately, especially when estrogen takes over my body and soul. But it was also here where I gladly discovered “One Hello” is oh so easy to immortalize behind my shower curtain.
I figured I’m going to write a memento of my Double Four, but not without revisiting the past 3 decades.
So here goes.
I’ve done 3 double number celebrations of my life. I celebrated my first—11, in my pink pantsuit. I heard my own Mama introducing me to my guests: here comes the “awkwardist”! Then I blew my last birthday candle.
Next thing I knew I was 22, totally stupid and feeling lost when I made my young world disappear in a jiffy. I couldn’t help but weep while reading my Tatay’s letter to me: “I wish I am with you at the prime of your youth.”
It was the most painful one liner from a disappointed father whose only wish is to see his only daughter enjoy the gift of success. Mind you—- making one lousy move will tie dye your life with a rainbow of gray for the rest of it. However remorseful and regretful I was, the fruits of that mistake made life less ordinary.
My 20’s presented a severely limited option for my young existence, and I found myself always wanting something. I said the most heinous things in my 20’s—- like I was the bad guy that never fits in. You see, I was the first to bolt out of Celibacy Club and the drama refused to end the entire decade. I understand one has to go through the process hence there are no short cuts in life. A tear or two made me stronger in the end.
True enough, not too long after the blackened days, I peacefully entered the savage 30s. Work was fun. I loved what I was doing. I did foster friendship beyond work, and still treasure the gestures that made me important. While others may have plotted my demise many times, they were never successful anyway. I bet ya, so they say: no one can put a good person down, so true. That time, I felt I was no longer the bad guy around.
Finally, on my 33rd birthday, I retrieved my senses but was still peeking for the light. Out of craving to free one’s self from abuse, I dived past the boulders of pain and found my freedom. With a spirit of teenage rebellion, I disavowed any regard for the norm in order to make a sheer decision to move on. And I did, with flying colors.
My 30s was hysterical. Gaining ground again was never a breeze. A seesaw in my career was apparent. Weight was also an issue. If bulimia is like a boy crush from way back, my compounding weight was a love struck affair. But I always looked for opportunities to crawl back. Often I found myself wishing: “wish I can turn my life into a day spa.” Sigh. Heave.
Instead of hitting the mattress, I fell head first with a guy 3 years my junior but thinks 10 years ahead. We started out at the wrong foot, so to speak. But being partners in the news, we hit it off real well somehow. Like in the movies, friendship is good while supply lasts… so we took it to the next level after 3 years. It was a little crazy yet completely wonderful.
Being in a relationship with this guy is simply insane! Too many questions played in my head over and over for several days before I said yes to him. What about his idiosyncrasy? My hang-ups? His hang-ups? His mood swings and my mudslinging? However ridiculously outrageous it was, we found that love should not be nipped while it’s there hot and strong, no matter what the circumstances were.
Fifteen years from the time we met, the whole idea of being one with him is and will always a priority. “Us” became “We” when stork dropped a bagful of bundle 4 years ago in our doorstep. Yes, what a handful of a bundle, and what a joy he brings.
I love clichés. The old cliché that says, “life begins at 40” applies really well for me. My 40s is a blast! I think I get it now. My defining moment is here. Chances are endless. It feels like I have a new lease on life after a major surgery this year. A new career path in counseling and mentoring is on—- my M.A. in CEFAM at the Ateneo de Manila University is brewing; to release a book, The Bayanihan Leadership for the Filipino Youth is the ultimate.
My list goes on and on. With renewed passion I come full circle in life. I stopped wanting. It is now appropriate to say with conviction, this is what I love and this is what I want to do. To the nay sayers, cut it out! Let me pass through. I’ve done half full of my life and kinda like what I see so far…
That, to me is not pathetic.
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