Unusual Channel
By Ma. Renette B. Uy

Signs of the times

I have always been fascinated by signs I read all over the place; be it in a school, restaurant, along the streets, public restrooms, on walls even inside the church. Funny and interesting would be the right words I guess to describe the way I feel about these signs I read on every corner or hidey-hole of a certain place. But mind you, this article is not meant to make fun of it, believe me when you see or notice them signs, utter laughter comes after! Just for laughs and make a sad day seem brighter, that's all! I remember way back in college, I was the feature editor of our school paper and my assignment was to write about human interest. And so, I took pictures of signs I read that I found funny, more like strange I guess, some were really worthy of note but most of them, it was meant to humor me. I wrote about these signs, how they are written, how they make a difference in someone else' life after reading them, who wrote them (what was he thinking? Hehehe) and why it was written the way it was written. Did I make sense or what? That was part of the best times of my college life! Let me just tell you some of them, those lines that I can remember and those that were sent to me through email. By the way, I already rolled, tumbled and collapsed laughing my heart out after reading these signs. It's good humor if I may say so. An innocent line written not to mean anything but instructive, in the end somehow, it makes people laugh. It is still a happy thought so I guess there is nothing wrong with it except maybe, after reading this article, some may want to change their signs. Don't if only for laughter sake so be it! Just kidding! Laughter is still the best medicine for an ailing heart and it definitely will keep the doctor away! So, here's to start our week right…LAUGHTER and lots of them!

SIGNS I CAN'T FORGET:

In a Medical Clinic:   JUAN DELA CRUZ, M.D. Specializes in women and other diseases (I hope he knew what he got himself into when he said he specializes in women and women's diseases)

In an International Airport : IF YOU WANT TO ADJUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. (Uh huh, so what do I need to control?)

In a Dry Cleaning Shop:   DROP YOUR PANTS HERE (Then what? Hahaha!)

In a Ladies' Room in a Restaurant:   PLEASE DO NOT THROW YOUR NAPKIN IN THE BASIN. (Uh, I guess it means the toilet bowl? I hope so because I don't see any basin [bay-sin] around the Ladies' Room every time I take a leak)

In a School:   NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION. (Unless your brain dead, this sign would even make a 1 st grader laugh his wits off)

In a Restaurant:   OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. (Okaaay, fine!)

In a Maternity Ward:     NO CHILDREN ALLOWED (Uh, what do they stand for nga?)

In a Cemetery:   PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES (Go pick your own nose, este… graves!)

You think we are the only ones who make funny signs? Read on friends and have fun while you're at it!

SIGNS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES:

In a Cocktail lounge in Norway :   LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR (Oooops, my water bag just broke, go get me a drink! Scotch on the rocks, I mean give me a painkiller!)

In a Budapest zoo:   PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY (No peanuts pleaaassseee!)

In a Hotel Lobby in Bucharest :   THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE (To dream the unbearable dream [pls. sing to the tune of impossible dream] )

In a Hotel in Acapulco :   THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. (Get me a coke, quick!)

In a Car Rental Brochure in Tokyo :   WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR. (…with strength and with power keep on the tootle)

In a Men's Rest Room in Japan :   TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT. (Don't get excited. Cock is their term for knobs you dirty mind you!)

In a Japanese Public Bath :   FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.   (There is that term again!)

In a Hotel in Japan :   YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. (Huwag po kuya! Huwag po!)

In a Tokyo Hotel's Rules and Regulations Manual:   GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. (Like pillow fights?)

In a Hotel Notice in Tokyo :   IT IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS. (Be kind to animals)

In a Tokyo Bar:   SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. (Uh huh, Geez…WOW! I am so relieved I am a Filipino! Yeah! Aren't you?)

On a Menu of a Swiss Restaurant:   OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. (Okay, give me a tequila then!)

In a Bangkok Temple :   IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. (Hahahahahahah!)

In a Hotel Room Notice in Chiang-Mai , Thailand :   PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM (How about collectors, can be?)

In a Hotel Elevator in Paris :   PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. (Moral or Immoral?)

In a Hotel in Yugoslavia :   THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID (Oh…a clean shirt is out of the question then, huh?)

In The Lobby of a Moscow Hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. (Die famous!)

In a Hotel Catering to Skiers in Austria :   NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. (Uh, is that in the vocabulary…new word maybe?)

In a Menu in Poland:   SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION. (Araaaaaay!   Guess they meant their specialty salad? Uh huh, it didn't sound that way huh?)

In a   "Soviet Weekly" Newspaper:   THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. (Artists, watch out!)

In an East African Newspaper:   A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS. (Be afraid, be very afraid!)

In a Sign Posted in Germany's Black Forest:   IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE (What purpose? Mah!)

In a Hotel in Zurich :   BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE (hehehe…don't go public now! Its always nice to show some affection…ah, but sex?)

In a Laundry Shop in Rome :   LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME (Stop the dryer, please)

In a Tourist Agency in Czechoslovakia :   TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. (Guaranteed twins!)

In an Advertisement for Donkey Rides in Thailand :   WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? (My ass is fine, thank you)

In a Window on a Swedish Furrier:   FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN. (Alabaster or snakeskin?)

In a Box of a Clockwork Toy Made in Hong Kong :   GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE (Tick tock tick tock tick tock…)

In a Swiss Mountain Inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM (How bout Mr. Frostee?)

In an Airline Ticket Office in Copenhagen :   WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS (Get your Assist Card now for sure! Or travel light!)

On a Door of a Moscow Hotel Room:   IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT (How bout seconds, anyone?)

Did you enjoy reading the signs? No offense but you have to remember that when we write something it makes a difference when we start reading it first and check out how it sounds or how it will appear when we are done writing it. This happens when we do shortcuts, it becomes a blooper of some sorts. Just like life, when we do shortcuts, we start stumbling and making the same mistake all over again. When we start fast tracking life simply because we are impatient, we end up frustrated because we didn't get the result as we want it to be. It pays to be slow; for sure we will get the best results and we will get to where we want to go.   Ciao for now and here's to a good laugh and a good lesson to learn from it.

“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”