Serendipity
By Joanne Marie Combong-Pijuan

Men, dating disasters and the travails of the single heterosexual woman

Before I became a “smug married”, (a phrase I lifted from Candace Bushnell's book “Sex and the City” which I would describe as a complacently satisfied person who's no longer in the dating rat race for obvious reasons), I was a serial committed-but-ringless-singleton. This means I was always into long, serious relationships that never quite progressed to the “I do” stage mainly because I was a sado-masochistic, fault-finding, opinionated perfectionist. I was what you would call the anti-thesis of the serial dater, a person who engages in short, incessantly chronic non-relationships that usually end after post-dinner dessert and coffee.

But regardless of what I was and was not, I think I speak for all women when I say that the (dirt) road towards getting hitched or getting a good partner / boyfriend / significant other / companion / lover is as dangerous and perilous as going on an unguided tour of an African safari. Who could blame us women if we rant, complain, and bitch about the quality of men nowadays? Now, the average heterosexual woman has to go through a lot of teeth-gnashingly terrifying and oftentimes bizarre scenarios in her search for the “perfect” (meaning: sane, straight, and toilet-trained) male.

Let me make it clear, not all men are dogs (no offense to canines). There are so many wonderful, great, and admirable men out there. The hitch is; most of them are taken. The unattached ones that have managed to escape our evil clutches don't even count -- think priests, monks, or newly-formed fetus (but even that is umbilically attached). And gay men are completely out of the question (although there are a lot of time-tested and successful gay men-straight women relationships – but that's another story).

So, in spite of the snags and drawbacks, the poor heterosexual woman has little or no choice but to scavenge on what's left of the macho male feast. And what are the left-overs? Men with peanut-sized brains; gargantuan egos and even bigger libidos; who wine, dine and lure women until they end up in some cheesy motel room with a jungle theme. The date usually ends after nine months and the guy mysteriously disappears along with her monthly period.

Of course, there are also the self-conscious, vain men; the ones who bring their dates in sleazy bars with bad appetizers and poor lighting, hoping their dates won't see the zits on their noses. And if a girl is really lucky, she could end up going out with El Cheapo: a guy who asks a girl out and lets her foot the bill (even Gloria Steinem lets her dates pay for dinner) like he's doing her a huge favor by going out with her.

And the list goes on: mama's boys with Oedipal complexes; violent men who get a kick from hurting (i.e. kicking, hitting, slapping or a combination of all three) women; men who have hygiene issues or the shower-challenged male; bums; womanizers; liars; narcissists; and commitment-phobics.

I could go on and on lambasting the remaining male population, but the bottomline is: women just want men to grow up. I think that the seemingly unforgivable male flaws I mentioned above are simply brought about by the fact that men are babies. Real babies are cute, but men who act like one are definitely not.

And so, my unsolicited advice to single women out there is: find a man and wait for him to grow up (like what most of us did). And when he does, he just might kick his bad habits and imperfections and walk you to the altar. If not, you can always buy a dog.