Rational Insanity
By Bryan Mari Argos

Your grocery tells all

I don't like buying my own groceries because aside from the fact that I use my own money when I do so, I also find the routine of going through a list of necessities very stressful. What I like best is going with one of my folks when they do their groceries because I can pick out what I want and have them pay for it; I like pushing the cart and

watching it fill up; I like looking at the faces of people who are doing their groceries as well; best of all, I like looking at the stuff inside the grocery carts of the other shoppers because I can tell what their personalities are from the stuff that they bought. So, to all the shoppers out there, if you don't want opening up your lives to other people, better find a way to not do your groceries (which is close to impossible unless you do your groceries on line which then opens your life up to the World Wide Web, hehe).

Anyway, I would like to share my skill of knowing other people from the groceries that they buy to you guys because you are my chosen few, and I am sure that Rational Insanity people would find this really interesting.

Let's start off with the women. (Disclaimer: this is only for those people who really buy groceries for themselves which most likely is the case with most people). Of course, sanitary napkins in carts could only mean a few things, as follows: the lady buying them is not pregnant, she has female kids who cannot buy their own napkins, she wants to stock up on these things because she has an irregular period, or she has diarrhea. Women who buy an irreverent amount of home cleaning items are obsessed with cleaning their houses because they are probably guilty of something (obsession with external cleanliness often indicates some kind of internal impurity), or they are probably rich in the sense that they have house help and they are irritated everytime their house help asks them for money to buy cleaning aids; or maybe they have plans of committing suicide (as in, drink the muriatic acid or the toilet cleaning fluid they bought, yuck! So graceless, carbon monoxide poisoning inside a Chevrolet would be a more stylish way of dying). Instant stuff like noodles in styro bowls that need only hot water indicate that the shopper, most likely, has a hectic schedule, so, food has to be on the go (by the way, when you go to a fast food and want to take your food out instead of eat it in the restaurant say “to go” as in “one burger, to go, please” because the phrase “take out” is never really used anywhere in the world except here in the Philippines), or perhaps, she has kids who go to school and she sends these things to them for “baon”. Lots of air fresheners in the cart often indicates someone who either does not smoke or who hates smoke and has a husband, a boy friend or a kid who is a smoker – it could also indicate that the person is most likely going to suffer from leukemia (the chemicals in these things kill off your immune system). An excessive amount of insecticides mean that the shopper has an old house, the shopper does not have a clean lifestyle so ops to destroy the roaches instead of clean their houses instead or the shopper does not have enough money to by a one thousand peso worth canister of MACE for self defense. Of course, you rarely find condoms in the shopping carts, but just the same, women who buy condoms are liberated women, women who plan their finances (family wise), women who have young, hot blooded, male or female kids, and women who enjoy blowing-up condoms and hanging these in their gardens as lawn decorations, now to the men.

We rarely find men who shop for themselves, and if we do, they are most likely sent by their wives to do the shopping, they live alone, or they are gay or bisexual (especially when they stop at the cold cuts section of the grocery and admire how nice and red the hot dogs are, hehehehehe). Anyway, men rarely buy sanitary napkins even for their wives because it is humiliating for a guy to have to pay for those things at the counter where lots of people watch. Guys who buy six-pack beer are most likely game freaks – they want to couch out in front of the television and watch tele-games like basketball and the like. Single guys usually have large bottles of soda in their carts, a week's supply of disposable razors, bread, cleaning stuff, and even those mini sacks of rice that they sell at the groceries. Diet-conscious people (this goes for women too) have a stack of light stuff, vegetables, sugar substitutes, and tofu in their carts. Gays and bisexuals (I'm sure most will agree with me) always have little niceties in their carts, such as ready-mixed cakes, bottled spices, ready-to-pour salad dressings, and microwave popcorn (although this item you can also see in carts of guys who are game freaks), oh, and bisexuals and gays also have a good helping of cheese on their carts (I don't know why, but I see this usually) as well as papaya soap and whitening creams. Condoms are normal for guys to buy, unless they buy the ribbed ones -- something must be terribly wrong with their size that it isn't quite enough for their partners.

Hey, I may not be that accurate here, but try it for yourself and you'll see what I mean, check out other people's groceries. Another thing I look out for when I am at the grocery is the price of the purchases of the person before me – sometimes it is so disconcerting to see a 3,000 plus bill with the person's purchases being all beauty products—“sobrahan ka na gid ka law-ay haw?”

Be rational; be insane…every once in a while! TTFN!

Roni, TTFN is my little secret, how about I make it a contest here, guess it and win something? Hehe, what do you think? Hello to my dearest readers, Chan, Vic, Vincent, and Rex, Alex, Arvin, Corz, Jim, Kiara, Malikh, Mr. Pampolina, Audrae, Franz, Hendrick, Janice, Jay, Jim, Jonathan, Mark, Marz, Mel, Pres, Nhonoy, Niel, Piper, Rheavil, Joey, Alma, Rodolfo, Ecker, Ryan. Hello also to a new addition to our RI Barkada, Roni, thanks for the great comments, to Miss Dieter of Lapaz, to Ian of Bacolod but who is in Iloilo right now, to Narle, Sunny and to Anuj of CMC, I love you all! Byers! Salamat gid sa mga walang-hintong text and reactions nyo! Catch Rational Insanity in TNT's online edition, check us out at www.thenewstoday.info, text me at (0920)9254269, or email me at prague@eudoramail.com .