Serendipity
By Joanne Marie Combong-Pijuan

Man + Woman = Marriage

This is the last installment to my “men” quaternity -- the fourth and final part of a series of articles about men and my version of how one can successfully come out unscathed (and victorious) from the so-called “male galaxy”. This time though, I have decided to grow a conscience. I will put a stop to the male harassment and public lynching; and unravel the mystery behind their sensitivities, insecurities, and vulnerabilities especially when they are in a thriving, lifetime relationship (ideally it should last a lifetime) called marriage.

Let me take off by saying that no matter how much we women gripe about men and the damage they can inflict on our lives, bottom-line is: we need them. Lower the left eye-brow and quit the sarcasm. I reiterate: we need them as much as they need us. The association between the male and the female species is not just a purely symbiotic relationship, but one that is mutually beneficial and advantageous to both parties. And I'm talking here about all kinds of male-female confluences. Be it a marriage, a friendship, or familial relationships -- we need each other. Maybe it's all about the great cosmic balance, the theory of opposites, the science of procreation, or the fact that if we women bust our veins wearing 4-inch stilettos, someone better make a flattering remark or else.

And so men, with their superior knowledge (next to women of course) are very much aware of this universal “we need each other” truth. But aside from this truth, they also know that women play more significant roles in their lives (vis-à-vis the “less significant” roles they play in ours). Experiences such as childbirth (the reality that they literally came out of our wombs) are few of the many humbling instances that they have to deal with along with the fact that most of them were reared by their mothers.

To counter these built-in insecurities, men tend to develop defense mechanisms (such as machismo, bloated egos and an over-developed sense of superiority) which we women misconstrue as their innate character flaws. But in truth, our men are just weak and vulnerable little puppies who are constantly in need of attention and validation. They are in fact scaredy-cats who are always in great fear of losing the most precious entity in their lives – their women. So why, even with this so-called fear, do men do the things that they do? Why do they hurt women, why do they cheat on their partners or their wives?

I am not a shrink or an expert on male-female liaisons. I haven't even been married long enough to form any fool-proof generalizations about relationships (although I can say that, yes, I've been there and done that). But if truth be told, I think that everyone needs to feel important, most especially men (because they are the most insecure); to know that regardless of their flaws, foibles, and weaknesses, they still matter to somebody, particularly to the women in their lives.

The desire to be loved and heard, the yearning for importance, is so strong in our men that they tend to seek validation in whatever form or from whomever they can get it. Thus, when they do not see, get, or feel this validation from their wives or partners, they look for it from someone else. And so they have affairs and seek the company of other women who, (even if they <the mistresses> physically or intellectually pale in comparison to their wives), have in their arsenal the ability to listen, to make them (the men) feel important and not taken for granted.

This is the reason why there is truth when they say that one of the secrets to a great marriage is when the wife knows how to be both mistress and wife to her husband. Wives then should never be complacent and bank purely on the fact that love alone will sustain a marriage. It's up to us women to put some action on love and learn when to give in to our men. It is only through acknowledging each others needs and weaknesses; learning how to listen; knowing how to give importance and affirming each other's worth; that we will be able to keep and hold on to our relationships and to each other.

So once again, I repeat, we do need each other. Beverly Clark (played by Susan Sarandon in the movie “Shall We Dance”) said it all when she was asked what she thought were the reasons why men and women marry:

“We need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."