Rational Insanity
By Bryan Mari J. Argos

Insanity 101

Did you ever, in your whole life, wish, that you were crazy? Did you ever consider just flipping out and going nuts?

I did. Consider this – loonies walk around public places without a care in the world because they live in their own loony worlds. They walk around dressed in rags, plastic bags or even naked and they don't care a bit about stares or mocking remarks thrown at them. They don't get any wages but they don't die from hunger either. They have lice in their heads, but they don't care a bit about not having a few pesos for their conditioners or shampoos either. Loony life is low maintenance life, and sometimes, when I am faced with monumental concerns, I silently wish to be just a loony and let the day pass without my even knowing it. When evening comes, I can go to the nearest pile of gravel and count the stones until morning and not worry about a thing.

For those of you out there who would like to go crazy one of these days, here are ten things you should do everyday of your life; ten things that are guaranteed to make you mad, crazy, insane, loony!

1. Do not ever shout even if you want to or need to. No matter how angry you are, purse your lips and never, ever, ever say a word. Do this all the time for best results.

2. Every night, before going to bed, take all of your clothes off then face a mirror. Look at yourself and think about how much money you have. Then assess your body bit by bit, inch by inch – focus your attention on all the parts that need liposuction. When you have identified those parts, compute the costs and compare it with the money that you have. For people who have big bank accounts, do the same exercise every night, but with a slight alteration in thought – think about how ugly those parts are, and that there is really no natural thing you can do to get rid of the flab. Eventually, you'll get depressed, and you'll flip.

3. Do not use underarm deodorants and anti-perspirants, then take off your shirt while watching TV and smell your underarms. Do this often, and you're on the road to insanity.

4. Think about how old you are at the present. Then for every vice you have, like smoking and alcohol, girls, and guys, subtract ten years from 100, then subtract your age from the total (ie, my age=27,smoking=10, drinking=10, hence 100-20=80-27=63), the result will be the number of years you have left. Now if this is not yet that depressing, think about reaching your peak age all alone, what would you do?

5. Look at yourself in the mirror, and then tell yourself, I have a few more years left looking like this. In a few years time, I will have white hair, sagging chins, wrinkles, and grey eyes. I won't be able to control my urination anymore; I will have hemorrhoids, itchy feet, and a smelly mouth. Uuuurgh….

6. When you're about to sneeze, quickly take a glass of water to stop you from sneezing, or pinch your nose to stop the sneeze from getting there.

7. Get a haircut. Request that no protective cape be used on you. Then watch a boring movie without having had taken a bath; order a bowl of miswang batchoy to go (ask that it be placed in a plastic bag), then eat this in the theater using a fork.

8. Lock yourself up in your room, put Judy Ann Santos' version of “I won't last a day without you” on your cd player at full blast, then lie down on your bed reading “The Purpose Driven Life”

9. Smoke cigarettes with wet fingers.

10. Eat lots of bananas and peanuts then sit on your toilet bowl the whole day trying to get those out. You will be terribly constipated and the peanuts will get lots of gas into your system so you will be farting your way in the enclosed toilet without being able to spill your guts!

I guarantee you, if you do these things faithfully, you will be driven to your edges. You will either end up crazy or be on your way to madness! On the other hand, would you really want to go insane? I don't think so – life is just as comfortable now as it is, despite the pitfalls and the up streams, but hey…

Be rational; be insane…every once in a while! TTFN!

You got anymore tips on how to go crazy? Send them to the number indicated here in my column as well as your comments and reactions and be part of THE RATIONAL INSANITY PINBOARD, every Friday. Be heard! Speak out! Also send me your topic requests!

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