Unusual Channel
By Ma. Renette B. Uy

To be or not to be

This is not some Shakespeare story sorry to disappoint his fans. I just want to borrow one of the titles from his great work. Read on and experience my experience!

Two weekends ago, I had one of the best experiences ever. I had the opportunity to go through a weekend retreat conducted by no other than His Excellency, Arch. Angel Lagdameo. It was unforgettable of course, not only because it was conducted by the respected Monsignor, but also because it was spiritually enriching for my husband and me. I learned so many things about being called to do the work of God without hesitation, without second thoughts, without complain but with all my heart and with all my soul, so to speak.

In the past, I guess I was called several times by Him but I never really listened. He knocked on my door, perhaps so many times but I never really opened it. Several years back when I was still staying in Manila, everything that was important to me was taken away. It started with the year my father died. Then, the year that followed, He took away my job. I said to myself then when I lost my job, “no problem, it's easy to get one again”; and with such arrogance I was very confident of my skills and capabilities and any company will not be able to resist that. However, I had a hard time landing another job; either, I was over qualified or the company cannot afford to pay me base on my qualifications. If that was not bad enough, I lost my car and the apartment I love so much. Without my job, I cannot afford to pay amortization and rent. Worst, my two kids was taken away from me too. I thought it was just a series of bad luck or I was just stupid to stumble into so many bad events in my life. Moreover, I saw it as a failure because of being careless. I saw it as imperfection and would need perfection no matter what it takes. I never saw it as a message, His message. Who would? I was so bitter and it made me really angry. I drowned myself in alcohol trying to numb my senses. I felt abandoned, frustrated and hatred was setting in my heart and my entire being. I was deep in sorrow and resentment from all the series of bad events that happened. I was blinded by so many negative feelings that happened to me; frankly, I did not see God's hand in all of it. All I could see was whatever happened, I probably deserved it. I even said to myself, “I must have been a bad person in my past life to deserve all these!” Self-pity was written all over my forehead and I was counting bottles of vodka instead of sheep to lull me to sleep. Miserable, huh? It was just the start of my calling.

Next thing I know, a year has passed and I met a wonderful person who eventually I married. Of course, it was not a bed of roses being married and all. We had our share of trials and oppressions. This time, God knocked on my door again and this time I responded. However, I never saw it that way. For me, it was just the right time. Such arrogance, no humility! I never really understood why I had to go back to Iloilo. It did not have any meaning until I joined the Bukas-Loob Sa Diyos Covenant Community or BLD. I know for one what humility is but I never really knew what it truly means. Joining the BLD has humbled me a lot. Before, I thought I could not live without the finer things in life, things I got used to having. Now, looking back, it is okay for me to not care how I dress up, how I actually look. Now, it is all so simple for me. I enjoy simple pleasures like staying home with my family just watching TV, or going out with real friends for dinner. Going to church twice a week (it should be more than twice though…am still struggling), or simply doing BLD work gives me pleasure all for His great glory.

I believe when He calls us to serve Him, it is not in the guise of anything pleasant, but He is with us in our darkest moments. He makes us see how sinful we are and gives us the chance to repent. One of my realizations also is that every time I am at my darkest hour, He is there because He loves me so much. Furthermore, every time I sin, I am no different from the soldiers who nailed Him to the cross. That every strike of the hammer to the nail, it is my sin He forgives.

What do I give back to Him after He died on the cross to save me from my sinful ways? Not until that weekend retreat did I realize that since He has given so much for me, I should give it back by being one of His disciples. It is not an easy task. Along the way of my long and difficult journey, it is a struggle between being good and going back to my old ways. Along the way, it gets bumpy when I meet people who form part of my struggle because of simple disagreements. However, I was taught to pray more for these people instead of bearing grudges or instead of judging them. To go back to my old ways, as it seems is easier. Judging people instead of understanding them is an easy path to go back to my old ways and I have to remind myself every time why I have started this journey towards redemption. It is a constant struggle but I try to get there every time He calls me. I am constantly reminded to follow Him faithfully and though I fail most of the time, His compassion and forgiving ways is enough for me to go back to Him and find Him there patiently waiting. I know for one that it is a long and difficult journey. Am I willing to go through the journey? Am I willing to be His disciple? What I had to go through just to respond to His calling is something to ponder about because it is always a painful one. When I started losing a part of myself because of that pain I had to go through, He never failed to give me something to ease that pain too. My husband, when I met him was a blessing in the midst of all that pain that happened to me. Blessing me again with two wonderful boys was another one. So, am I willing to be His disciple? It is a resounding YES! It is the least I can do for Him after He gave His life to save humankind. He still knocks on my door and no matter how painful it is I respond every time He knocks. Again, in my darkest hour He smiles at me. Though it hurts to smile back, I manage with a struggle and He never fails to bless me. My struggle continues and I try to rid of my unforgiving heart by constantly praying to Him. Someday I see myself perfect in His eyes. So, be patient with me my God!

I guess, when I was not able to write an article for two weeks, it was not some writer's block, I was actually preparing myself for a great experience. Now, I would like to share it with you. To be or not be…a disciple? I know the answer to that now and it is all too clear to ignore it.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”