Serendipity
By Joanne Marie Combong-Pijuan

Kris Aquino

…has absolutely nothing to do with this article except bamboozle all you poor, unsuspecting readers to read my K.S.P. (what else, Kulang Sa Pansin) column. I know I have been dishing out generic, lifeless, and “cut-and-paste” articles for the past few weeks; a literary aberration from my normally animated (i.e. bitchy) and oftentimes witty (go ahead, disagree) write ups. I have explained last Tuesday why I have been acting kind of weird lately (insomniac baby, not enough sleep, fried brains, etc.) and so, this week, I'm making a comeback.

I have tried my very best to be a good girl for fear of bad karma, but I guess being a saint does not become me. I think it's time to drop the goody-two-shoes act and start dissing out the truth once more. It's hard to believe it, but I think I may have a cult-like following of people who actually expect me to rant and rave like a possessed lunatic. And so, what else can a lowly writer do but give in to her readers' expectations and requests (when all I ever wanted was world peace…). Well, as what Mae West once famously said, "When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better."

And so, I take it back. Kris Aquino actually has everything to do with this article. Remember that yucky (understatement) episode in her life when she admitted to all and sundry that Joey Marquez gave her STD? When that sob story unfolded before my very eyes, I almost puked from disgust. There she was, the offspring of a true Pinoy hero (debatable, I know) and the first woman President of the Philippines, crapping all over nationwide TV with mascara streaming down her face. Now, that's exactly the kind of B.S. that gives me goose bumps and makes me cringe ten times over. The hair-raising scandal made me think, if Ms. Aquino could be embroiled in something that sleazy, what more the average Pinay who goes on her daily business sans the paparazzi on her back? The 64-dollar question is: what kind of unfettered, kinky business can your typical, ordinary Pinay then be capable of doing behind closed doors?

Well, I got one of the many answers to that a few days ago when I almost slammed the car I was driving on a dubious (but familiar) looking vehicle who wanted to do the “sudden turn” stunt or in tagalog, “biglang liko” near a motel with the noble name (where people engage in not so noble acts). What else could I do but shake my head and smirk. There I was driving peacefully with my kid, talking about his new Game Boy while the couple in the car in front of us was also about to play a game, a different kind of game, that is. What was even more irritating and at the same time amusing, was the fact that I could see the girl in the front seat covering her face with a hanky as her boyfriend steered the car inside the said establishment. Don't tell me that hanky-on-the-face-act was a sign of modesty. If she wanted to be modest, she should have gone to the nunnery, not to a frigging motel at 12 noon when the sun was wholesomely shining in the big, blue sky. I mean, she should have been having lunch, right? It was high noon for Pete's sake!

Actually, I'm not surprised at all of these “libidinal goings-on”. This city is infested with hypocritical women who act as if they're vestal virgins when in reality they pop birth control pills like M&Ms (hmm… I think I used this analogy last week but what the hell). These women usually hide behind the guise of angelic faces and are so soft-spoken you think they're almost mute. They usually have this trademark mannerism that's a dead give-away: “the hair behind the ear act” as opposed to “the hair-flip and a giggle” (that one's for flirting). All I can say is, girls, if you can't be good, don't pretend you are because hypocrisy will bring you to the pits of hell.

And, I will end with a trivia: Did you know that the fastest selling women's magazine in this city is Cosmopolitan? Now, does that say something? If you don't know what Cosmo is, then either you're a virgin or you're pretending to be one. Remember, you could go to hell for lying too.