Cerebral Combustion
Look Ma, no karma...
I never wanted to have children. My mother used to relentlessly cry out that someday when I will have my own, each and every appalling and hurtful deeds I did to defy her authority as a parent will doubly come back to me and only then she is sure that the realization will occur to me with full empathy and understanding of what she is talking about. Like a boomerang, she always adds. I was a bad kid, with scattered angst and reckless way of thinking; and she, a single mother, struggling between work overseas and long distance parenting. Physical discipline rarely happened but while growing up, I was terrified that in the future, her prophecy will be my bad karma.
About two weeks ago, while lazing around in the shop my husband owns, a father came up to me and told me his plight about his five children he reared so dearly but not one of them carried on his desire and aspiration for them to achieve a life they deserve. All of them married young and now while waiting for his retirement benefits, his woes is centered towards his grandchildren he and his wife supports. Their eldest, unemployed, has eight kids, four of which stay with them; the second did not finish high school and was gotten pregnant by a market vendor despite having a rich Chinese boyfriend working as an engineer abroad; the third settled down with a promo boy who committed suicide after she threatened to leave him due to financial difficulties. She and her kids are now living with them. The fourth was still in high school when he eloped with his own teacher who is 15 years his senior and now has two children. The youngest was good enough to finish college but also has a wife now and three kids at only 23, and while he waits for his employment papers approved in order to work in Canada, his kids also stay with his parents. He was telling me this story and more without any sign of resentment as if he was already resigned to the fact that his children's future will come out that way. He tells me his wife thinks their life was a bad joke, and above all, cursed, to have their sons and daughters turn out differently than what they had hoped and expected despite their hard work and sacrifice.
I am not sure what to make of this story. Now being pregnant myself, I thought could that be a sign, a deliberate continuation of my mother's foretelling of my karma should I have a child or children of my own. I honestly do not know how I would turn to be as a mother, but certainly I know, like my mom, I would want my children to be successful not really in the respect of achieving material gain but most importantly the joy of knowing that they are morally, spiritually, physically, and mentally equipped while making decisions and embarking on the easy and difficult phases of their lives. That, at an early stage of motherhood, I truly have a full comprehension now.
Basically, my mother thinks I have failed her. And so do I. Despite my past academic achievements and recognitions, I ended up not having a college degree, not only without a diploma but also a degree of pride, I unsuccessfully bear. From a parent's point of view, nothing is more rewarding than knowing you did your best and maybe even more to give your children a good life and achieve it. As a daughter, and the way I had led my life, my only remorse is not being able to give back everything my mother did in return for her sacrifices. But not my mistakes, the mishaps I brought to myself, for I have learned well, and now they will serve as my anchor -- my pillar of strength to create a better me and a better life for my daughter.
I can say that I have conquered my fear. Life is a beautiful thing and what more of living. In the future my child may fail, like I did, but I know the pride she will carry for herself will be more than what I hope for her and that is having educated by life itself.
(For comments, reactions and suggestions e-mail me at du_minatrix@yahoo.com)