Rational Insanity
Post heart's day realizations
The bullet thing becomes quite fancy -- it makes you want to use it again and again. So, this week, to end our 3-week long article 'trilogy' on Heart's Day, I give you ten more bullets, but this time, of realizations and possible afterthoughts that could have hit you when you awoke (maybe with a throbbing booze headache) after the activities of the highly commercialized Heart's day or de-glamorized Valentine's Day.
1. 'Oh my gosh! I gave up my virginity for a lousy bunch of white roses and a box of cheap chocolates!' Sex is a given on Heart's day and the day itself is a welcome justification for chauvinistic male pigs to buy out someone's virginity with cheap gifts. Do you really think those gifts were meant to make you feel how special you are? Well, think again girl -- they were simple devices so that HE could get into your pants.
2. 'There's something wrong with my 'down-south department'!' This is the season for sexually transmitted infections or STIs. If you wake up and find it painful to pee or have an annoyingly itchy crotch, it's time to tell your BF or GF to split. Who else could have given it to you if you are faithful? That leaves one other person who must have gotten it from somebody else besides you!
3. 'I'm broke…' Price tags for dinners and lunches all over the place shoot up during Heart's day for some weird reason. So, if you're alone and would want to have a hearty meal, better go to your favorite fast food instead of that fancy restaurant you were hoping to spend Hearts Day with yourself in.
4. 'I ate too much -- my diet is a disaster!' Since you are too preoccupied trying to impress someone or trying to get into their pants, you all too often overlook the food you have been getting into your gut! You feel terribly guilty after, especially if you did not get into that someone's pants and didn't lose the extra calories with 8 METS of activity during after dinner sex! Hit the gym!
5. 'What?! My boyfriend wears panties!' Since this is the time for giving up virginities, it's also the time for discovering something more biologically intimate about each other. Males often have a fetish for wearing feminine undergarments just because they are softer than briefs. Other things you might discover when you wake up in the morning are your mate's terrible morning breath, an unsightly hairy mole or wart somewhere in the downstairs department, genitals that are hundreds of shades darker than his/her bleached complexion (unless they already have methods of bleaching that part of the body), 'kalbo!', a terribly small or short weapon, an exceptionally huge mons pubis, overly pink and feminine nipple on your guys chest, tripled breast pads or tissue paper in the bra and many other things that you will have to deal with when you are married to that person.
6. 'I didn't have him use a condom!' This one is usually for girls who have done it a couple of times with their guys already. In the heat of the heart's day moment, coupled with fancy and cheap wines and drinks, a full stomach, endless petting sessions and mutual public seduction, there is nowhere else to go but to the bedroom. Before you know it, he's got his minions inside of you! Rush to the drug store and get a home preggy test kit!
7. 'I paid more than two thousand pesos and my girl only ate salad!' This one is for those couples who go to the fancy buffet dinners prepared by hotels and restaurants. What guy's don't actually realize is that women, expecting to have sex later in the evening, would not eat too much unless they want to feel miserable and bloated after the humping. Bi's and gays don't eat much as well, but for a different reason -- and I guess I don't have to elaborate the reason here for censorship reasons. Stay away from potatoes!
8. 'My entire ass is filled with bed bug bites!' Cheap motels usually don't follow strict sanitary procedures and those couples who go for the smaller tab usually have to deal with these motels' perks and one of those is bedbugs or 'bagsat'! The downside, these insects sometimes carry contagious diseases.
9. 'I can't open my eyes!' Girls, be careful when you give your guy a b***j*b. When he comes and it gets into your eyes you are in for a week of agony. The chemical composition of semen can cause irritation to the delicate structures in the eye. If you do get it into your eye, don't just wipe it off and sleep on it; flush it out with some cold water, or antiseptic eye drops if you have any.
10. 'I don't wanna marry him/her!' Well, I guess this does not need any further explanation.
There you have it guys -- are any one of these anything like your own realizations?
Be rational; be insane…every once in a while!! TTFN!
I love you all! Byers! Mwah!