Accents
Mangled English
With the muck that is Philippine politics gushing from across the ocean—news verified and unverified, rumors and hearsays of wheeling-and-dealings, thick blogs in the Internet —what to do when one is so far away from the homeland? Laugh. Take a breather. Look for the funny bone. Laugh. Again and again. Take a dip from whatever is left of that sense of humor.
Bless the beloved e-mail for the following dose of rib-ticklers. Fact is the intergalactic mailman delivered the entire bulk to my Inbox some eight years ago. Since laughter is the best medicine as the Reader’s Digest never tires to remind us, get your own dosage from this Cyberlounge Collection of English Language Gems — "English" notices encountered around the world.
Remember when Pres. Joseph Estrada made political capital of his mangled English? His “Eraptions” can make you cry or make your belly ache with laughter, but to a certain extent they helped deliver the votes. Sample: When asked in a hotel reception where the First Lady was, Erap replied, “She just passed away.” (Actually, Loi Estrada had gone to the rest room.)
Erap does not walk alone. Many more like him have lost their footing in the hallowed halls of the English dictionary, grammar, and idioms. These from my preserved scrap bag of humor:
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In a doctor's office in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
From an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
Written reply to accommodation request: "I am honorable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is here have not bedroom with bath. Bathroom with bed I have. Do not concern yourself that I am not too good in bath, I am superb in bed."
On the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet on using the hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your
passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: well talking. Here speeching American.
Whew-w-w. Now do you realize that one Macapagal-Arroyo is right that because of the Pinoy’s fluency in the English language, Filipino workers are in demand abroad over other nationals? From the above samples of mangled English, I believe many readers will agree with La Gloria re the Pinoy’s facility in the English language. Still, it is most disheartening that many in the labor force leave the country because our government can not provide well-paying jobs in the native land (but that’s another story). Meanwhile, laugh your heart out. I just love the fellow who said it first: He who laughs, lasts. (Comments to lagoc@hargray.com)