Cerebral Combustion
Forgiving the sins of my father
Twenty years without a father and I have never really given much thought about not having one for a very long time. He was gone long ago, when I was barely five years old and the memories of him that was the only thing etched in my memory is not even worth remembering. He left my mother for another woman -- a prostitute, who lived ten steps away from our apartment. As a child, my mother tried very hard to spare me from the tragic drama of agony and pain that was unfolding right before her -- the frequent brawl, the late night screaming match and the misery she piercingly weeps; but outside the door with my father's thrown clothes scattered around, I felt inwardly neglected which made me bear a fraction of imprecise emotional anguish. Other than the vivid unpleasant memories of him I discourage myself to recollect, I have nothing better to say about my father.
Should the situation been altered I wonder if I could have been much better with him around. If he only was not the person I recall, could our family be less suffering from the ordeal of relentless deprivation of household happiness we have long desired. Without my father, my sister and I also had to endure not being tended by a mother, so it was his fault we are left a liability to others, because she needs to toil every opportunity to sustain our needs. I remember him through my imperfections, it is his fault. Through the mishaps and the sorrow of not being complete, I blame him for it. Even now when I look back and regret the things I have caused myself shame and pain, I hate my father for it.
Forgiving is hard. When it is your father, forgiving is harder. We grew up with envy over friends and other children whose father and mother are present on special occasions, school activities, PTA meetings, competitions, and all other important moments a child can everlastingly cherish. We never had those moments, our family never had anything special -- it is his fault.
Children first learn to love within the family. As they grow old, the values instilled in them do not only come from what they were taught, but by what they see, feel, adapt and look up to. While mothers play a great role in molding a child, fathers have an irrevocable responsibility not only in aspects of providing physical and material needs but above all, to be a superior example and display an ideal characteristics of an adult a child can imitate. "There is really no point in having children if you're not going to be home enough to father them."- Anthony Edwards. This is exactly the point. I remember what I heard from my uncle before, it is easy to become a father but it is difficult to be a father. Men, in their right sense, should in fact prepare for it before it happens. Fatherhood is a profession as much as a responsibility. "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for father's protection."- Sigmund Freud. Those who flee from the accountability of raising another human being of his own flesh and blood should be ashamed, and be mortified of his own shame.
A fathers' presence in the family is worth a thousand words any man can speak about values and morals a child can learn. It can save an innocent soul from dipping in the murky facet of living. "Father need is in yourself, your children, and your partner or spouse and it is such a remarkably compelling force in our emotions and behaviors, longing and growth, sorrow and joy. It is certainly not magic: the force of biology would never entrust something so crucial to something as ephemeral as magic. It is a thoroughly understandable physical and emotional force that pulls men to children just as it pulls children to men, related or not, to shape, enrich, and perpetuate each other's lives. Hence, the double meaning of the term father need mirrors reality, as the warp of the need in fathers for children is woven together with the weft of the need ofchildren for their father."
My need for a father has waned over the years. But it still is a big issue for me. He was my own nemesis I never cared to absolve. I only hope that when I see him, I will be relieved to know that he is never the father he is now to his other children like he was to us. Maybe then, when the time is ripe, I will learn to forgive him.
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