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When you're ready
Just the other day, my partner and I were talking about why I didn't want to have children when I was in my twenties until early thirties. I figured that could be a good topic for this column. I love kids and I love playing around with them. But motherhood is a different thing. Several years ago, I was not ready for such. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just the way it is.
Now, I'm in my late thirties. Life has given me so much maturity and I know I'm ready to have a kid. But that's another thing. I never dreamt of having my biological kid. Since college, adopting had always been at the topmost of my mind. One of my friends said that it's sad because having your own kid is priceless. But I think loving somebody that you did not carry for nine months is a better challenge and more priceless, and I could attest to that.
But, back to being ready. Having children is like getting married. It is something that you have to be ready for in all aspects of your person. You don't have babies because you simply had the urge to have sex and failed to use a condom. You don't get married because you got a girl pregnant, only to find out she's not the one for you in the end. Having kids is something special. It is something you have to prepare for and take good care of. Kissing, hugging and time with your kid is not enough. Like a business, it is something that you need to work on, too. Everybody has his or her way of parenting, but there is always a “better” or tested way. Thus, good parents always make a conscious effort everyday --- learning from successful parents, attending parenting seminars, researching on the best food, school, games to apply to their kids in order to stimulate their intelligence and talent, and just so many things one needs to learn. (www.ivillage.com offers several tips on dealing with kids of different ages).
I've always admired my mother's parenting. True, we grew up with yayas around but she makes it a point that she's on top of everything. She's also a disciplinarian. She did not spoil us by giving in to our crying and whining everytime we wanted something. Every experience we had, she made it a point that it's a learning process for us. Every game, every toy, every blessing she gives us (even the spanking) were all conscious efforts to make sure we grow up as stable and happy individuals. After all, she's a teacher and she has a great background in rearing kids. When I was a kid, I thought she was cruel. But, as they say, you have to be cruel in order to be kind.
Kids, while young, are like an empty glass of water. You need to fill them with the right ingredients. Or if they are already filled, most often, their innocence is mixed with stuff that you should either nurture (talent, intelligence) or correct (greedines, whining, manipulative, bad words they got from adults, etc). If you fail to nurture or correct, you end up with a glassful of a kid with bad manners, bad mouth, or those qualities that make one juvenile. Such a big challenge.
I remembered watching the movie “Juno” about teenage pregnancy. The teenage lovers were in love but realized that young as they are, they are not equipped to bring up a child into this world. Enter Jennifer Garner and her husband who wanted a baby. As the story progressed, we found out that it was Jennifer who badly needed the baby and her husband wasn't ready for marriage and fatherhood, so he decided to leave her and they divorced. The teenage would-be mother told Jennifer that if the latter is still ready to raise her kid as a single parent, the adoption agreement would remain in place. So, after the teenage girl gave birth, she didn't see her child, but rather, it was Jennifer who waited outside the nursery room, waiting for “her child” to be handed to her. Meanwhile, the teenage girl's dad said to his daughter, “Someday, you will have kids, this time, in your terms.” True. So, the movie ended with the teenage lovers focusing on their schooling, making their relationship work and growing up. Meanwhile, the baby is tucked away in the secure arms of her adoptive mother, with a better future ahead of her.
Juno's story brings us to teenage pregnancies that abound our society these days. We are hounded with more 'children' who are having children they don't know to care for. They are not ready for such a big responsibility. Responsible parents should tell their teenagers that sex under 18 is wrong and will not work better for them. Teaching our teenagers about “safe sex” is important, but for those younger than 18, I think “say no to sex” is the better approach.
I say, having kids is a big responsibility that should be left to people who are ready for them.
(Comments to lifestyle@thenewstoday.info)