Accents
The heart murmurs, mumbles, and fumbles
The Valentine bug continues to bite that I’m putting all political reflections and judgmental views into the backburner—only for the time being.; So, rest ye Politicos, let’s listen to hearts “gently beating, murmuring low,” hearts groping for words they can only mumble, and those who, in nervousness to confront the affairs of the heart, fumble and stumble.; And, of course, there are cranky ones, too.; Let’s not leave them out because some are worth listening to.; Despite their eccentricities, they make sense most of the time, more than you can expect from a love-struck fellow.
Murmurs of the heart, gripes from the lovelorn, verbalizations from “liberated women” in the Stateside context, and questions that reveal shades of a nincompoop are contained in a string of “Dear Abby” letters that has gone the rounds of friends in the East and West Coast of the American continent.; These are emails you don’t want to delete, emails you want to preserve for their quirkiness, outpourings you want to share because they tickle the funny-bone and enliven the spirit in the throes of winter chill.
For those of you not-in-the-know, "Dear Abby" is a newspaper advice column by Abigail van Buren.; Some letters are simply ludicrous Abby chose not to answer them.; You can always give your own unsolicited advice.; In case the humor flies over your head, call up the editor for explanations.; If he is too busy, he can always pass your query to an associate.; Or write to me.; (See my email address at the bottom of this column.);
If these letters will evoke laughter in you, it means you’re taking the best medicine, i.e., if you agree that “laughter is the best medicine.”; One of the best, I would say.; Won’t cost you a cent.; Lowers the blood pressure thus helping the heart, the medical world declares.;;;;;
Now for a laugh or two on what they wrote:
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.; It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
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Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.; One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.; These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.; Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Curious
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Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
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Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
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Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?
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Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
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Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
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Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I give my doctor a little gift?; I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
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Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
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Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
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Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.; I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday.; What do you think he'd like?
Carol
Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like.
Give him a tie.
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Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Wondering
Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
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Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
Rose
Dear Rose,
So would I.
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Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Bess
Dear Bess,
Night and day.
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Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam
Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.
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How’s that for laughter being the best medicine?; Did I hear ha-ha-haaa-he-hee-heee?; If so, you may now go back to the affairs of the day.
(Email: lagoc@hargray.com)