HEALTH LINE
The Itchy-Bitchy Candidate
(The following is a series of thoughts taken from the writer’s health book “Fit to Run Fit to Win” dedicated to all Election 2010 candidates; of course, all our readers can also relate):
“Power is the best aphrodisiac” said my politician friend. Joke is: the only virgin left in DC is somebody who runs faster than their former president. Chairman Mao, FM, and Erap — libidinous all, had their shares of very colorful sex lives.
Campaign trails can only be laden with sexual titillations. Watch out for the red flags. In your ecstatic fleshy indulgence, you would be surprised; you would not know what hit you! I wish to give you deep reflections on sexual reality in our midst. I can be moral … though I can’t be a moralist. Just read on:
May Kalam sa Media (Maybe Chlamydia)
No! Not horny Media men. ‘Kalam’ is a teaser for our Bombo Sunday Health Show — our sort of foreplay before the two special sex-pusher guests arrived. Chlamydia infections are the usual ersatz of Gonorrhea. Having painful urination plus horrible discharges — Gonorrhea comes to mind… when, unsuspectingly, it could be Chlamydia. Worse, both could have no symptoms at all until deadly complications as severe kidney, reproductive, and multiple organ infections shock the victim. Antibiotics treatment can also be different. Thus, when unprotected sex occurred with a fishy partner, count Chlamydia in.
Inday 1 and Inday 2
Now came our two special guests: Prosti 1 and Prosti 2 (but were changed to Indays 1 and 2)—both good-looking and acting like pro. Please believe them: Inday 1 is 18 years (of age of course, not experience), a slender chinita, with good command (read: “mataray”) of English (BS Ed 2nd year). Inday 2, the 20 year-old brown–eyed morena, is more of the silent, mild-mannered genre. Both were personifications of the curse called Teenage Pregnancy. Devirginized by their first boyfriends, Inday 1 has a 10- month old baby boy while Inday 2 has a 2-year old son (All left back home in Negros). Driven by poverty, Inday 1 is barely 2 months in the trade (Inday 2: one year). Their families back home think they are happily employed here).
“One-Five” life-and-death luxury
Housed in a ‘casa’, they can be ‘picked-up’ for P1,500.00 (three hours ‘short-time’ rate). Both, like the military, have one foot on the ground as they leave the “house”. Inday 2 once encountered a “sadista” tourist as partner. Inday 1’s cell phone was stolen during her recent ‘toro’ private show. They endure both physical and emotional humiliation (Self-respect? Yes! They still have some left). And sadness does occur too… especially when they’re sick and all alone in their room. They sob; they cry... longing for Nanay’s loving arms.
Of flavored condoms
We’re happy to know that they insist on their clients to use condoms during the entire act (Other men do that dangerous habit of donning condoms only right before ejaculation). They were conversant as to proper use (American Medical Association’s guidelines) of the “rubber”, e.g. squeeze the tip first to remove air, hold tip and unroll, if uncircumcised, pull back prepuce (foreskin) first, check condom frequently during the act, after ejaculation, hold penile base while pulling out of the vagina, and never reuse or recycle condom. Wallets and car glove compartments are not ideal storage areas. Condoms can be secretly punctured by a needle making the user vulnerable to deadly consequences. One thing caught my bile though: they don’t insist on condom use during oral sex. Their jaws dropped as their lips pouted and frowned while I explained why there are strawberry and banana—flavored condoms.
To “Clean” or not to “Clean”
Dr. Ana Lozada, our guest from City Health Office disclosed her maintenance programs for Commercial Sex Workers. They need at least three negative smears to get the “Pink Card”. The City Health Office bares its plans to monitor all the Indays coming to the City. I suggested a computerized Data Base. They do raids randomly, yielding some minor ‘Indays’ who are then referred to DSWD. SPO1 Rose Olaveja, our guest from the PNP Women’s Desk, roared the warning to men of itchy-bitchy troupe: “You can be charged of rape, even by a prostitute!”
“Take care of your husbands…”
Or we’ll take care of them” exclaimed Inday 1 when asked who their usual customers are. “They come to us when they have quarrels with their wives!” “And we can be better sub (read: PRO) stitutes!” They, however, don’t buy the idea of becoming “number twos” or having long term commitment because they don’t want to “develop” any emotional attachment. They consider this “nightmare” as temporary. “Pang birthday lang sang baby ko” said Inday 2. Inday 1: “Me too!”
“It’s Raining Men, Alleluia!”
And it’s raining prostitutes too. My co-anchors Bombo Mariette Jeselle (MJ) de la Cruz and Nembi de la Cruz did wonderful jobs. They echoed sentiments from “moralista” listeners: condemning Indays 1 and 2 as expected. This prompted me to declare my closing spiel: “Crucify them if you want. P1,500 can be little amount in exchange for their lost dignity. But during elections here, many are “spreading their legs wide apart” waiting for only P200.00 before the voting starts (sardines and soft drinks, given during last Elections, could break your heart!).
Now, tell me, who the real prostitutes are? “Sin-o guid bala?”
Inday 1, without batting an eyelash, screamed: “SILA!”
Oh Alleluia!
(The writer is a member of the American Association of Sexual, Educators, Counselors and Therapists, and The Kapisanan ng Mga Brodkasters sa Pilipinas. You can catch Dr. Yap every Sunday morning at Bombo Good Morning Philippines 900 MHz, and Fridays at “Health Line” Wesfardell Budyong Kapihan TV Show with Rexam Laguda. Comments are welcome at dryapjr@yahoo.com . For more of these upbeat articles, as “Erection: How Hard is Hard? “Why Men Like Women with Big Breasts”, and “Gay Sex” his book; “Joyful Life…& Sex? GO TO HEALTH!” is now available at all National Book Stores outlets nationwide.)
