Friendship with & without benefits
In the recent popular song, "Beautiful Girls," the lyrics tell about a person who has suicidal tendencies if a relationship does not work, it will not last forever and it will be over soon. The song speaks about relationship with a friend. In such case, what kind of relationship exists? Why does the relationship have to be so tragic? Why does it have to end so painfully? It is very common in most friendships that there are expectations involved. Many people think that in friendship there is mutual agreement, mutual sharing, mutual support.
In today's generation, especially those who live in cosmopolitan cities, like Manila or Cebu or New York, many young people have already classified friendship into two: friendship with benefits and friendship without benefits. Friendship with benefits is a relationship where you are friends with someone whom you expect something in return, either for money, for approval, for sex or for self gratification. You have the connection of being friendly towards each other, hanging out, enjoying many things that interest you but no commitment exists. It is merely being friends for the sake of having friends. It is also being sexually intimate with each other, but one that does not get too far as in a serious relationship where both agree that they have a future together.
A celebrity guy once commented that he had sex three weeks ago, with a friend, but said that he had his last date a year ago. How can a guy have sex 3 weeks ago and yet considers a real date a year ago? It is simply that he did not see his friend, whom he had sex with, as someone he really wanted to be romantically involved with, as it was just purely "friendship with benefits." There are quite a number of couples who agree to this kind of arrangement because it is less hurting and there are no deeper feelings involved because the relationship is purely physical, less personal.
Friendship without benefits is more intense and lasting because it is a relationship that comes from within the person. It is giving, sharing, loving a person without expecting anything in return. Even if the person you love does not love you back, you continue to love him/her, and when you sincerely help somebody, you do it because you find it fulfilling. It is a relationship that goes beyond the physical, more than the social aspect of being recognized and affirmed. It is more of selflessness, a transcendence beyond the self. You commit yourself to love the person wholeheartedly, despite all his negativities, limitations and difficult personality.
In Martin Buber's "I-Thou" relationship, love is a responsibility. Each one cannot live without the other, so we have a responsibility to help the other without expecting to be helped in return. It is a commitment to give time, attention, approval, or giving a part of yourself to the other because it is based on love, it is the kind of friendship without benefits. It is the giving and the sharing that determine us as persons. It is sacrificing our own happiness and satisfaction for the other.
A lot of people, especially the youth of today find this quite absurd, because most of them are self centered. They find "friendship with benefits" easier and more convenient because they do not want to feel responsible for the other. They do not want to be connected in a deeper level of relationship for fear that it will not last, because they are aware that the world now is fast changing and nothing is permanent.
Relationships do not have to have tragic endings like the song "Beautiful Girls," when it is based on values, when benefits are not expected, and when we see real love as a responsibility. Without the awareness of the "I-Thou" relationship, that love is a responsibility, we are nothing. Where do you think you belong? Is it friendship with benefits or friendship without benefits?