Serendipity
Fashion Faux Pas (foh pah / fō-päz)
(A must-read for true-blue fashionistas, fashion victims, snooty snobs, TH social climbers, and budding gold diggers.)
Some people have the innate gift of language, I don't. I learned this the hard way in college when I slept through my Spanish 2 final exams and woke up when it was too late (meaning the janitor was already sweeping my tush). I decided to enroll in German and French, just to prove to myself that my propensity to botch up my Español was not in any way a reflection of my IQ and my inability to learn and speak a new language. When my teacher Martin Yap (pronounced Mar-tAHn Yap) asked me, "Parlez-vous François?" I bolted out of the classroom when I should have just said, "Oui, Monsieur Yap!" (even if, at that time, I only knew those two French words).
And then there was German 10. After a tale about a broken right arm from a biking accident (I went to my teacher with a sling along with a woebegone expression on my face), my teacher took pity on me and told me to bring my final exams home. I mumbled "danke schön" and ran out of her office lest she changed her mind at the last minute. I got a 1.5 from acting (and lying) and not from learning how to speak German.
The thing about college is that nobody ever told me to pay attention to the things that will someday (meaning now) matter. Nowadays, things that sound Italian, French, German, or anything remotely European is instantly associated with "designer", thus, "expensive" and "sosyal". I'm not saying that we should all have designer labels in our closets (although it helps especially on bad hair days to counteract all that ugliness), but rather, it pays to know how to properly say these tongue twister names to avoid instant humiliation especially when one is in the company of fashionable and educated people.
The other day, my brother-in-law Nico, told me he liked "Dol-SE and Gabbana", to which I automatically replied, "Oh, you mean Dol-CHe & Gab-bah-nah" (he's excused -- he's straight and he just turned 17). Dolce & Gabbana, Dries Van Noten, Hermès, Pierre Cardin, Salvatore Ferragamo, Yves Saint Laurent and other fancy fashion names can be a mouthful when you're not equipped with your basic French, Spanish, German, or Italian. For fashionista wannabes, it's a sin to say HER-mes rather than ER-mez (girl, it's illegal to carry that Birkin around if you can't pronounce Hermès the right way). Take off those Christian Louboutin heels and just wear your Jannilyns if you say Lu-bu-TIN rather than Lu-bu-TUH (that's with a nasal silent N).
A word of advice, you can't be a true-blue fashionista, a snooty snob, or even a genuine, TH (as in Trying Hard) social climber and shameless gold digger if you can't pronounce your designer labels and consumables right. I'm not an expert on these fancy schmancy pruh-nuhn-see-ey-shuhns, but I do try to say the words the right way as not to become the center of attention at the dinner table. "Excuse me, can you pass the KAY-Vee-ahr, Mr. JAn-POWL GOWL-tiyer?" Er, that's KAV-ee-ahr (caviar) and Mr. Zhahn-Pol Gaw-teeh-ay (or Jean-Paul Gaultier to you who do not give a hoot about fashion). There's also nothing more embarrassing than wearing the latest Comme des Garçons outfit and not know that it's pronounced KOM de Gar-SOH (with again a nasal silent N). Maybe you can just stick to your Luh-kost (Lacoste) or if you can't pronounce that right too, hell, just put on a generic white top.
And so, because it's Christmas and I feel the need to be extra generous, here's my present to all you fashion victims, wannabes, social climbers and budding gold diggers, as well as to those who (like me) humbly acknowledge that sometimes, we need a little bit of help in the pro-NUN-ciation department. I've compiled a few names and words most commonly bastardized and included their correct pronunciation sans the complicated pronunciation symbols.
Fashion:
Azzedine Alaïa – A-zuh-deen Uh-LIE-ah
Balenciaga - Bal-en-see-AH-gah
Bottega Veneta - Bo-TAY-ga Ve-NE-tah
Cesare Paciotti - CHE-sah-RAY- pa-CHotee
Chanel – SHa-nel
Christian Dior - KRE-shtaan DEE-or
Christian Lacroix – KRE-shtaan La-KWAH
Dries Van Noten- DREES van NOH-ten
Ermenegildo Zegna – Ermene-JIL-do Zenya
Etro – AY-tro
Gianfranco Ferre - Gee-an-fran-ko Ferr-ay
Givenchy - Gee-von-she
Giorgio Armani - Jor-ji-o Ar-ma-nee
Gucci – Gu-CHIH
Guy Laroche – GEE-La-ROSH
Hervé Léger - Er-VE Ley-JEH
Hussein Chalayan - Hus-AIN SHAlayan
Loewe – Low-VEH; Low-Vay
Louis Vuitton- Lu-Wee-Vi-TOH (nasal silent N)
Manolo Blahnik - Muh-no-low Blah-nick
Miu Miu - mew-mew
Moschino – Mos-KI-no
Nicolas Ghesquiere - Nee-ko-lah Ges-queer
Proenza Schouler - pro-en-za SKOOler
Salvatore Ferragamo - Sal- va- tor Ferr-A-ga-mo
Thierry Mugler – Thieri Mug-LEY
Versace – Ver-sa-CHIE
Yves Saint Laurent – Eevs San-Lo-Ran
Food:
Foie gras – fwA-grA
paté - pah-teY
hors d'oeuvre - Or-dURV
porcini – por-Chi-ni
fondue – fon-dU
fillet mignon – fi-Ley min-YON
mousse - mUs
Others:
giraffe – Ji-RaF (yes, I heard someone say Ji-ra-fee the other day)
Santa Claus – san-tuh klawz
There are of course a lot more, but if I include all of them in the list, you'll be exercising your tongues until the New Year. If you're serious about being a fashionista or you want to climb your way to the top without falling hard on your butt, my advice – practice, practice, practice!