Unusual Channel
A statement of denial
A part of me died inside. I still keep searching for that part in futility though. Why? Jeez, I know but I am in denial. And since, I pretend not to know the reason why, it remains numb and devoid of any action. Perhaps, I should just remind myself of some things so I can stop being in denial and maybe it will all come back to me like a movie inside my mind with all the needed flashback to complete the story. Oh well, I can start with…
How I love to run wild across a field of uncertainties. I used to be free to just be who I am and not fear judgment and even if judged it didn't really matter for I was happy to be free, just that. How I find the thrill in trying new things and make a mistake and say: "so what, I can learn", and hope not to make the same mistake. I used to be brave to open my mouth and not worry about saying something wrong. I used to be bowled over by how arguments would go and how it will end. I used to be highly opinionated… I am still opinionated. I used to think I say only nice things, not to be misunderstood but always comprehensive not sketchy as I am told nowadays to my wonder, confusion, disappointment and frustration. Am I getting really old? Or something is written all over my forehead that says, "DUH"?
This is about my first article for this year. I tried to do some soul searching why I can't seem to write anything these days. I have not found it yet, not sure if I still want to find out. Sincerely, I am not able to translate my state of being at the moment. I feel there are about ten million things I have to do and I don't know where to start or do I even want to start? Suddenly, I feel I have to be in a hurry to finish things or whatever; like write my biography or something… that's a laugh! A book, perhaps? I am sure eyebrows are flying at this moment. Don't worry, I am just kidding! Kayo naman hindi na mabiro. A screenplay perhaps, for a teleserye? Quit it, girl! Whew! Lately, I have been busy (lame excuse for lack of any explanation)… honestly, there are days I am not busy I just sit around and stare at the wall (just kidding). But hey, it is so therapeutic if sometimes I turn into a catatonic (pun) state. Staring at the walls somehow, I realize that my walls need to be re-painted. Seriously, I can think straight that way… come on, don't you stare at walls?
I got to pay for being absent and being lost in translation somehow, thanks to those who have been telling me to write again and for those who have only words of encouragement; you know who you are. And for starters, I kind of think to make this article some kind of an interactive exchange of views, opinions. I don't mind advice or just whatever any good heart desires to say, it's welcome. In short, I would like to include my readers (I hope you are still there) and pose a question. Of course, I get to post it in the next article. If none, it's okay I just would like to try, no harm in that I guess.
Let me ask this question at this point (By the way, you can answer my question thru my email ad, thanks)… first, let me tell you the situation: people get intimidated by just how this person looks like and how this person talks and when I say people, no exemption…EVERYBODY!!! This person has no intentions of intimidating anybody, most of the time if not all the time, this person means well; it's just how this person looks and talks. The question is, does this person have a problem?
Please write your comments and suggestions to rbuy1028@gmail.com.
"Every time we open our mouths, people look into our minds."